Antartica starts here...........

As I stated in my first post I am a MTF Transgender, and a damn awesome one at that, and as I am a sucker for clichés I thought why not share with you all, my millions of devoted minions my "coming out" story, well more to the point my first failed attempt at coming out.

I believe I was round about 12-13 when I first tried to tell my parents I was Transgender, I can remember feeling rather upset and staring in the mirror when I said to my mother "do you ever feel you do not know who the parent staring back at you is?" Yes coming from someone my age that may have sounded quite odd but believe me the signs were always there that I was not comfortable in my gender role. Even if you do not know much about Gender Dysphoria to hear your child say that you would take an interest but my mother merely laughed it off and told me to stop being so silly.....

Around this time I had started growing my hair long and let’s just say my mannerisms were becoming increasingly feminine. Which seemed to have spurred my dad on to try to get my interests to more "male activates" such as football. He stopped this when he got tired of calling me a girl when I flinched because he kicked the ball near me, he always said that like it truly pained him :P sometimes I expected him to double over in pain. Still ever the perseverant type he tried to get me in to cars, it went about as well. He also seemed to tease me about my long hair in an attempt to get me to cut it, it did impress me to be honest how he seemed to have an endless amount of jokes about my long hair. I personally believe he stayed up at night with a notepad and pen coming up with as many as possible for the next day. It got to the point where he had had enough and simply bought a razor and told me I had no choice but to have a haircut, I don't want to go in to detail but yes I cried. Whenever I tell people that they don't seem to understand why it hurt me so much, but I always say if you had a 12yo daughter and you shaved her hair off, and I golden curls, so beautiful :) how would she feel? Ugly, boyish etc Yes I think that would make her cry. I would like to state here that I do not believe in stereotypes this is just who I am and I told this story because the more girly I acted the more my parents pushed in to my perceived gender role.

Despite all this I knew that I had to tell them at some point and like any young child I believed my parents would be there for me and would want to help me through my transition. Kinda wrong there to tell you the truth.... I know everything had pointed to them doing the exact opposite but I am sickeningly optimistic.

So one day I sat them down and just mentioned a few things about Transgender people, ignoring the fact my dad continued to make jokes about them I told them calmly and clearly I am transgender.

"So you fancy men then do you?" was my father’s first response.

"No I like girls"

"But how can you? You just said you wanna be a girl!"

"You do know that some girls do in fact date girls right? And I don’t want to be a girl, I am a girl!" Probably should have pushed it a little lighter here but saying “I WANT to be a girl” always irks me.

"This doesn't make any sense at all, your talking rubbish and I think it’s time we take you to see a therapist, we always knew it would have to happen one day"

And that was that. I tried to argue it but all I get were threats of being taken out of school, took to the doctors, the usual groundings etc If I didn't stop talking nonsense. To this day I wish I had argued it further but when you are that young it seems impossible to stand up to your parents, at least it did to me. I was bullied at school, had other home problems so to fight my corner further would probably not have been the healthiest strategy. But they did send me to a therapist and I have to say he did become a very dear friend of mine, we still speak every once in a while now when he is free, sadly he is quite tricky to get a hold of, but what’s time and distance between friends? To me a friend is a friend no matter how long it’s been since you have spoken and it always seems like yesterday you last saw each other when you meet up. Not related to this story but I wanted to end on a happier note :)

I am nothing more than some beautiful poses really

It has been my general experience that most expectant parents put upon their child a wealth of expectations before even granting the poor little tyke a name or knowing of its gender. Visions of tall, strong, handsome footballers excelling just as much at academics as they do at sports, girls flocking around their child hoping to be noticed by them, giggling uncontrollably at even his unfunniest of jokes. The other guys inviting him to endless parties, because obviously his presence will guarantee the attendance of the prettiest girls at school.

Or on the other end of the spectrum a beautiful, blonde haired princess, the picture of feminine graces. Oh yes all the boys love her and she has an army of mini clones following her fashion to the letter and her mother’s gaze upon this perfect angel in envy that their daughters just cannot match up to her.

Yeah their child’s endless successes and popularity is going to be a true testament to their skills as a parent, worth as a human being and these expectations are totally in no way their desire to live vicariously and a reflection of their own dashed hopes and failures. Nope, certainly not, nada!

Of course things don't always work out like this, do they? Parents can have the highest hopes possible for said sprogs, and they can you know, actually do some real parenting to boot but the kid will surprise you in more ways than you can count. Hell, you might actually be holding a beautiful baby boy in your arms only to later on wonder why he doesn't want to play with Action Man but instead plays with Barbie dolls and why all the girls thinks he’s the sweetest guy out there but just don't want to date him for "unspecified reasons" not to mention the time you caught him wearing your high heels trying to recreate Madonna's "Blonde Ambition" tour.............

Yeppy Mr and Mrs Smith you got yourself a bona fide Transgender child there; how are those expectations now?

Obviously I am speaking from experience here, Madonna DID use to be really good I don't care what anyone says..... Either way my parents hopes for me were more than a little dashed when I came out to them more than a few years ago now and this blog is a way for me to chronicle my life, relationships, college etc A lot has changed in my life since those early years trying desperately to be "one of the guys" and hide who I am from my family and friends. I am 22 years old now *I prefer the term post teenager* and am currently trying to work my way through college to get to Uni after having a few setbacks along the way, am in a four year relationship with the most beautiful girl in the world *we shall call her H for this blog* and generally trying to get my family to understand my situation and to get my Dad to understand that as a girl I do not like the terms "chap," "lad" or "mate".

So yeah, its more than a little bit complicated for me these days and things are moving waaayyyy too quickly for a small town girl to cope with so this blog will hopefully help me get my head straight.